The fight
I feel a war waging inside my mind, the fight to keep my peace, the fight to let nothing else be robbed from me. The fight to not get angry. Or maybe just not let the anger consume me, because the truth is I am angry, and so is anybody who knows my side of things. So is anybody who saw the dastardly act Lee put on for hours. I am angry my time was wasted but I am glad it was conpensated. I sincerely have no regrets though, if given the chance I would have done everything the same way, I would not have compromised any sense of who I am, I would not have dulled any of my edges, I would not have lowered my standards to fit in with what I knew to be wrong. I know I will go on. I know I will be better for it. From the beginning I felt I could do better now I have the oppurtunity to show myself. I stayed because I had become complacement, the pay was nice and being unemployed comes with a load of stress I'd rather not take on, but this is what it was always leading to. There were no alternatives. That place was becoming my stress, it was venomous and leaking its way into all of my conversation, every part of my life. That place is not a job but a burden. I know that is not where I wanted to work, but I am glad I worked there. Having only saw excellence, it was good for me to see a poor version. Though i want to wish terrible things onto the people I feel have wronged me, I know there is no reason to wish any worse on them than is already happening. I know that for what I have lost, it has been fractional to what they have losed. I know I will go on better than when I came and I know they will not. Part of me rejoices in that fact. Part of me says let them have their little island filled to the brim wtih misfits and lacking any real sense of professionals, let the dastards and bastards enjoy each others company because once they step off the island they will be playing in my world. Where there will be expectations and processes that they cannot meet. Where their deficiencies will gleam in the light of all they are not. So let them have it. And let me have this: air that is not laden in the stink off failure and hopelessness but instead fresh and revitalizing. Let me have modern rules and norms to abide by and not dated concepts that have long lost their effectiveness. Let me have peace when going into work that it will not be a war zone but simply contain normal stressors. Let me have some place better. Because I deserve it.

At this crossroad again and still unsure of what to do
Where do I want to be? That is always the question. Where do I run? Because I am constantly running, constantly in a state where I want two things that are drastically different from the other and always fleeting. I haven't found a place where I fit in, a place that I call home. People are my home, my grandmother was my home, she was the grandest of homes I knew; the most comforting, the most forgiving, the most understanding. I yearn for that comfort now, I yearn for that belief in me. With all the responsibilities and stress I truly just want to go home. But that unfortuneately is not an option I am faced with, I am faced with two relationships, two people I wish to be with, two roles I want to flourish in. I don't feel for myself at a time where instospection would be normal, I feel for them. My next move has to hurt someone, if not both. I know I will be okay. The financial loss is great but not enough that I cannot take it on the chin, especially during tax season and with beginning school soon and getting those refunds. I will be fine. I know it. In a strange way I feel almost freed. I knew that place just wouldn't work for me, I tried to stick around and make it work but I should have followed my first mind. Well at least that is what I wish I could say, but in truth if I had the chance to go back I would do things exactly the same, any place that can't at the very least understand ethics does not deserve ethical professionals. I am better than this, I am better than that experience. I will not let the actions of lesser people define my view of myself, alter my practice, or intimidate me. I am too strong for that, too determined. What is obvious however is that I need and desperately want more time before I am in the ICU again. I want to have a rather relaxed year or two before I enter into an ICU to later go on to become a CRNA.

I think what made talking to my grandmother so easy was that no matter who you were she was always on your side. We'd always start off with empathy, then we'd curse the bastards that dared wrong us, then she'd give you advice going forward, you'd make a couple plans with her, she would tell you that you could do anything you set your mind too, and lastly you would do something or eat something to make you feel better. She never tired of talking to you about the promblem, any time you needed an ear she was truly just a call away and not in the hallmark way in which you can call but your likelihood of being answered is slim. She always answered or returned your call that day. I don't know if I ever told her but she was my best friend, long before I truly even knew what being a friend was. Hell a case can be made that I still truly don't know, but I do know that a love like ours is rare and I'll likely never have anything like it again in life and it makes mourning you that much harder.

Stress Lately
My stress levels have been out of this world lately and that is putting it lightly. It seems like everyday there is something to irritate me or take up way too much of my time. On top of all that my job has not yet paid me for my short term disability leave, it was supposed to come through payroll but that has yet to manifest and instead they have been dwindling my pto reserve which creates more problems than just not being paid due to their policies. Jeremy and I was supposed to spend the day together but that quickly turned into a shitshow. First he made plans on the only day I would be available to spend with him, then he says he doesn't want to go to the cities, then a bunch of drama just transpired. It all ended in me breaking up with him, I want someone that enjoys the things I enjoy, I don't need a relationship full of someone half listening to me and constantly playing video games. As I go to therapy to explore myself and my goals I am quickly coming to find that jeremy and I's goals and path in life may not be as intertwined as I originally thought. After I moved to this place for him and may even be stuck in this place longer than planned for him, I don't think an occassional outing is too much to ask. I don't think doing something besides eating with my boyfriend should be too much to ask. Apparently he does and that is why we can't make it.

Growing out
Yesterday, i found pics of Kathleen. Today, he blamed for all of the issues with his family and I. To hurt me is his nature and to be hurt by him is mine. Throughout the time we have spent together I became many different people, some I would rather not be, some it tore me up inside to know I had become. I am finally back to a version of me I am comfortable with and all the issues that caused me to change are showing up again because they were unresolved. I can't do this another year. I have learned my lesson and truly feel I have got all the wisdom i will get out of this arrangement and know that it is time to move on. I love him no less, but I tolerate him no more.

I think I finally know, like really know.
The kind of knowing that changes the way you think forever, and after you know, you know you must act. All our lives we have been told told that everyone is equal and that you are just as good as everyone else, yet they still handed out trophies. When you get into to highschool, especially in your last years, you realize that everyone is not equal, we all won't get trophies, and most importantly we all won't go the same places in life. So you go to college, you invest time and money in yourself to set yourself apart from the rest, for the social prestige, for the money, to show you are worth your dream job. In our society it is obvious that the janitor is not as qualified to cure cancer as the blossoming scientist. We don't say it but we know we are not all equal. Many feel it is social standing, economics or race that set us apart and though they are not wrong because those things are still very prevelant, I feel it is something else.

I think what makes two people so very different is what is at the very core of those two people, what drives them, what discourages them, how much stamina they have. We don't all have the same chances handed to us, this is just a fact. But who we are is a great determining factor of who we will ever be and what we will ever turn into. In our society we know this that is why we favor those who have the stamina to survive rigorous bouts, whether it be education or physical fitness.

So we know this about employment and destiny, but why don't we display it more in dating? Today I realized that by boyfriend, love of my life for 4 years, to put it the simplest form possible: is not good enough for me. Don't get me wrong he's a fine chap, he pays his taxes and feeds his dogs, but for me he just falls short. It is not that I believe that I am queen Shiba, but that what I need he cannot provide. I realized that I need a man that is strong, Jeremy is meek and it works for him, but it does not work for me. In our day and age where we always aim to get what we want when we want, why does it feel so uncomfortable to say that I feel that he is not enough and that I want better. I don't condone treating people like items but in life you must shops around, and compare prices when in the market for companions and no one should have to be made to feel hesitant about doing that.

I don't want to be. I don't want to keep waking up to fail. to disappoint. to hate. to be hated. I don't want to be.

I don't have a friend in the world and my enemies invite to lunch. My existence is beyond sad, and a lot of times vomit inducing. Existing.

My nature is as hideous as my appearance. There is no where for my to hide, no where to run. This place was suppose to be a sanctuary but it is another dimension hell. I can't be who they want me to be and I simply just don't want to be. They will be better off without me. I will be better off without this.

Jeremy and I
Why isn't compatibility taken more seriously? Love can't conquer crap if you are always arguing and disagreeing with each other. In my next relationship and I can already tell there will be a next relationship, compatibility is going to be the top priority, as it should be.

I love Jeremy but we are not romantically compatible in the slightest, we don't have similar views on life, sex, morals, etc. The way we do things and interpret each other is always an issue. Incompatibility is one feat we just can't climb. I don't want to say goodbye right now, he is the only thing familiar to me here and I cling to him for dear life, even though I know I shouldn't. I cling to him but I don't grow closer to him and that sort of closeness has been missing for a long time. Our relationship is passionless and has grown into companionate love long before it's second birthday. I am not satisfied with it, and this is a message I have been trying to relay for months, but now I will simply save my breath. When a better chance comes I will take it, I will wish him the best and start the newest chapter in my life.

With all the new advances in my life I expect that chance to be soon. Shortly after my surgery I will be looking like a new person and right now all I have to do is focus on being the person I always wanted to be on the inside. I feel sorry I have to leave him but he is not good for me, he does not grow, he does not follow, he does not lead, he just is, and unfortunately I wish to go more places than I have now. I need a partner who is willing to be a partner and dream with me, not tell me life sucks and it is too hard and try to fill my head with doubts while he tries to fill his with a false sense of happiness.

I don't know what will become of him, I wish the best for him though. In our last days together I will try my best to be good to him and keep up this facade of happiness.

Men ughh
Jeremy and I just had our first play fighting session. He escalated into a gae of who could get more hits and I won even though he cheated shamelessly. Then he got but hurt when he lost, I didn't even rub it in his face and he was the one who brought up keeping score. I am getting absolutely sick and fed up with his macho bullshit. He tells me that he is resentful and mad at me because he should be several steps above me in fighting and everything physical. What about being with someone who is your equal is so horrible?! Why must he feast on and base his self worth on being better than me? I don't know how much longer I will be able to stand trying to love someones whos life goal is to be better than me and takes pleasure in my downfalls. That's not a partner thats a nemesis. 

The end of my rope

Running the numbers made me realize I was missing more than money. Yet another time I entered a relationship with someone gave it my best, gave them my all, and only got neglected and used in return. I'm tired. I'm mad. I'm hurt. I can't keep doing this with him. I don't want to keep doing this with him. I am tired of being with men who respect everyone but me. I'm tired of being disrespected. I want out and I want it now.

Men...Fucking Men
I just want to take a moment to rant about men, maybe not all men, but what I am about to describe fits the men in my life like a taylor made glove.

2 days. 2days. That's how much time I got to be happy and be filled with love and admiration for my dickhead of a boyfriend. 2 days is the maximum amount of time I can go excusing his shitty attitude and sub par relationship skills before I want to rip his head off. Why are men so selfish, conniving, stupid, and unbearable?! Why do they seem to think the Sun rises and sets around their funky asses?! Why do they believe that they, and only them, can sit around, not clean, not do anything in the house but merely be responsible for cleaning their asses (and barely want to do that!) and it's okay?

I AM TIRED. I am tired of being in a relationship with a child. I am tired of listening to all of your boring stories and rants about your boring life and then when I am frustrated about something that actually is important him acting as if he just can't be bothered to listen. I am tired of being a replacement mother. I am tired of being the maid. I am tired of being the one who is suppose to make everything in his life better and being paid in candy and other foods at gluttonous proportions. I want more. I want more out of a partner and friend. We never talk about my future. We talk about "our" future, what he's going to do, where he wants to go. I am no professional here but I have a good feeling this relationship is not suppose to be all about him.


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